I felt a bit smug recently when Stonehenge was mentioned on the radio. Oh! Been there, done that, I thought. It was during my time in the army as a young man. A friend took a photograph as I leaned against one of the stones. You could get up close then.
In those days when the army wasn’t requiring my services to paint this, polish that, salute those, encouraged by, ‘On the double you lazy man! What are you?’ my body would follow the routines of army life while my mind was free to think. So it was only natural that shortly after being posted to Lark Hill Camp, in Wiltshire, I’d give some thought to Stonehenge. It was after all, just a stone’s throw away down the road. Who’d built it and why? What was involved in getting the stones there and then raising them up to form a circle? I’d have read up about it if there’d been a better library in the camp, so I just thought about it in the barrack room while most of my mates played cards, argued about whatever was on their minds at the time, or went over to the wet canteen for a beer or two.
As I thought about Stonehenge and its history, I wondered if there’d been a grounds man there. They’d probably have needed one; I mean, it was quite a place. People would visit it to view the stars, check their sun-dials, attend religious services and offer sacrifices or be sacrificed. With so many people, there’d be the upkeep of the grounds and rules to be observed. Yes!. By this time, the neurones inside my brain zapped by millions of electrical impulses changed thoughts into words causing me to draft an application for grounds man at Stonehenge, as it might have been around 2,000 BC.
I was going to head it simply: ‘Grounds man’, the concept of equal opportunities was a long way over the horizon back then, but I still decided to give it a more swept up modern look, and changed it to: ‘Grounds service manager’.
The introduction to the job sounded good, after I’d added a line or two from the situations vacant columns for upwardly mobile executives. It read as follows:
‘The person we seek will have a broad grasp of astrology, horticulture, architecture and religion with some knowledge of surgery. As the structure known as Stonehenge is built to last, the person sought must be able to see the big picture. The appointee will possess skills with hammer and chisel, be tidy round the house-cave and possess the ability to communicate beyond the four letter word stage. A positive but polite approach is looked for when dealing with visitors, though the Committee is prepared to look the other way when dealing with truculent Vandals, Picts, Scots or other disgruntled out-of-towners. We discourage the over-used pole-axe approach, preferring instead the more subtle use of a stone club slipped inside a cured Ursus’s scrotum.
‘The position affords sound long-term employment possibilities and could offer the opportunity to receive qualifications in the following areas:
- Slate Plate in crowd management at wild boar wrestling matches.
- Five-tongued Fork for fluency in Celtic speaking, chanting & singing.
- Daubers Cap and Gown in woad body-painting, with Diploma in hard to reach or seldom seen private places an advantage.
- at least two units for the Diploma in foreign Epi Theties, essential for crowd control during the gelding of Mammoths and de-horning stray or wandering horned creatures in the vicinity. NOTE: Our dress code requires a short back and side hair trim prior to these events as nasty accidents have occurred when control personnel became targets of over-eager short-sighted gelders.
‘The successful applicant will already have:
- a minimum of three years observance of moon passings in Wiltshire. NOTE: Nips on cold night of wild boars fermented unmentionables will bring instant dismissal. A half-frozen inebriated Grounds man smelling of vile intoxicants is the last thing the Committee want lying around.
- the ability to recognise and apprehend visitors leaving the area with unauthorised erections is essential. Materials have been stolen in the past and are hell to replace.
‘The successful applicant will also be expected to lead visitors in dogmatic ‘shall and shall-not’ responses. Chanting sessions are held regularly when the correct responses are taught, necessary to thwart uncouth persons slipping in obscenities when some worshippers are off in a trance.
‘Duties include the following:
- Grounds to be kept uncluttered. Rock and stone not required by stone bashers to be removed and buried in a hole dug for that purpose.
- Check each sunrise that monoliths have not been tagged, shifted or stolen. Those pushed out of alignment by local yokels from the previous night’s piss up, must be pushed back before the early morning sunrise Druid’s service.
Missing stones must be replaced at own expense before sunset.- Regular checks must be made to ensure that top lintels are secure as nasty accidents have occurred after rock concerts, monthly stamping dances and various festival knees up which have shuddered lintels off their anchor points.
- Carcases of extinct beasts deep frozen in cave-fridges to be checked regularly; any showing signs of serious deterioration may be sold to local takeaways.
- Food scraps from Smoky David’s, Wilf’s Fry-ups, or Bronwyn’s Bitsa Brontis Barbecues may be taken home or sold as pet food.’
Well! Would you believe it! I had been working on this masterpiece for hours when my mate from Aberystwyth, in Welsh Wales, had a look at my efforts. For some reason, his ire was really irked. Standing up close, he breathed fiercely and growled something in Welsh. Other Celts would have understood but I didn’t. A pity really, as he’s a lovely speaker normally. Never mind, when he’s cooled down I’ll take him over to the NAFFI canteen for a Welsh rarebit and a pale ale. A fed mate is generally a happy one, which I’m sure the Celts would understand.
Dennis Crompton © 1998
The writings of a Lancashire lad 